Cruelty and Kindness

are habits to be cultivated

One thing has become incredibly clear since the current US president came on the scene: cruelty is in.

He didn’t invent cruelty, of course…he just rode a wave of already increasingly cruel tendencies. Lots of people decided that cruelty of all kinds was both justified and super cool, and crowned him their king. Who better, after all, than a psychopath accustomed to using and abusing others to climb to the top?

Why is it cool?

I don’t know, man. Maybe it’s because we study chimps too much and bonobos too little. Maybe there’s something evil within us, the part that stares, fascinated and thrilled as a fight breaks out, that needs fed — only a tasty sin-filled apple will do. Maybe there’s a special word or chemical that can wake up a sizable portion of the population to its deliciousness as if we were goddamned sleeper agents.

And now, it seems, here we are: snarling cage fights, the general public hissing and frothing at the mouth around them.

I don’t enjoy witnessing cruelty, by the way, any more than I enjoy watching people fight, which is zero; how can hurting each other be a sport? Jesus Christ.

Nothing is more off-putting than seeing someone be gratuitously mean. But lots of people do enjoy both watching and participating: how else would not just one, but several types of fighting survive as gigantic industries? Am I missing a gene, a hormone, a chemical that might make me perk up when it arises?

(Interestingly, Mexicans — the ones with a reputation for passion that tends to boil over — are currently much more accustomed to a “live and let live” attitude than their northern neighbors. Oh, how I wish we could relearn the shrug and “meh” attitude!)

Social media, of course, helps this seeming addiction to cruelty grow exponentially. It’s well established that everyone’s “feed” is different, giving them not what they need to be better people, but to keep them hooked on social media, often with outrage at the fact that only you and a few of the folks you know are smart, good people, while everyone else is, basically, idiot scum.

“Wait, wait, wait, I’m not ready to go out yet; I need to tell this douchebag what a clueless dummy he is.” We get so, so worked up, so anchored in our righteousness, so ready to die on our hill. And suddenly, we hold the only truth. We feel the truth, and that’s how we know for sure: everyone else is an absolute fucking idiot, and they should definitely know it. Before an audience, of course: we outdo ourselves trying to publicly humiliate those we disagree with.

Not my idea of a good time. (Photo by The Cleveland Museum of Art on Unsplash)

We all want to be the last victorious gladiator at the center of the stadium, bloody arms outstretched as the world cheers our strength. Many of us imagine that that’s exactly what we are, because social media knows just how to sporadically reinforce the good feelings. It feels like power.

But it’s fleeting. If you want those righteous feelings, you’ve got to keep fighting and fighting and fighting.

And now what do we have? Masked gestapo kidnapping people and shipping them off to God knows where. Previously-promised aid and funding illegally wrested back, others’ death and hardship now a badge of valor. Assassins killing judges and the president sending the military to try to pick fights with his own citizens for the purpose of — you guessed it — having an excuse to expand the cruelty.

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As you can likely tell, I do not think this is a good way to live. In fact, I’d say it’s downright dangerous, and definitely unenjoyable. You don’t want people frothing at the mouth when you’re just trying to go about your day. You could slip in the spittle. Someone might make you cry. Your cortisol levels might never go down, and that’s just not healthy.

What does impress me is kindness: a person biting their tongue when they could have said something to really, really hurt someone’s feelings. Giving people the benefit of the doubt by assuming their intentions are good, that they’re more like you than they are different from you. Generosity that makes you feel like God’s grace has suddenly and unexpectedly fallen upon you. “For me?” A car coming to a full stop to let a pedestrian safely cross the road.

Just as I think of cruelty as a bad (and lazy) habit, kindness can become a good one. Like all habits, it just takes practice.

Say what you want about the problematic aspects of books like How to Make Friends and Influence People, but they’ve got a lot of good advice: learn and use people’s names. Really listen to others and be slow to jump in with your own thoughts. Tell people what you like about them, and spread positive gossip: “Oh man, I think she is just the coolest.” Accept the possibility that you might not actually be an all-knowing genius: be open to possibly being wrong. Look for common ground and dig into it.

So nice, so simply, so not boring. (Photo by Erika Giraud on Unsplash)

Cruelty begets cruelty; kindness begets kindness.

Swinging axes in a gladiator fight pumps adrenaline through our veins, but that’s not the only sensation that will make you feel alive.

And if you ask me, a warm, fuzzy feeling is better than the thrill of a fight any day.

So how can we give it a shot? Staying away from social media as much as we can, for starters (know your triggers, people!). And when anger boils up, try throwing in some ice cubes by assuming the best of whoever you’re facing; most of the time, people will behave the way you (apparently) expect them to.

Because anyone can be an asshole; that’s just lazy. Showing kindness is the real flex, the major lesson from Jesus to MLK, Jr.

So to wrap it up today, here’s one of my favorite songs on the subject. It’s a little corny and you might roll your eyes, but I don’t care because I love it.

Happy Sunday!